Marriage Therapy

Marriage is like two people trying to perform on a balance beam at the same time.  This careful walk requires not only personal balance but team coordination.  Making it look good is not easy; in fact every one is sure to fall at some point.  And for marriage to work, we all need help from God and others. 

Four things cause couples to fall.  There are four marriage Assassinators: Affairs, Addictions, Assaults, and Avoidance.  

Affairs typically start out with one partner thinking he or she is not getting what is deserved from the other (read Willard Harley's terrific book His Needs, Her Needs).  The partner often innocently begins to seek emotional comfort from outside of the marriage. But emotional support creates a new relationship that seems to better meet one's needs, and sexual infidelity often follows.  Affairs may be the hardest thing for couples to overcome, but it can be done.

Addictions include drugs, alcohol, and even pornography and sexual addictions.  These problems are about as hard to overcome as affairs.  As is the case with affairs, there is no way for a couple to recover until the addiction has stopped controlling the person's life.  How can one walk on a balance beam while drunk or high?  Individual therapy and marriage therapy are always needed in this type of situation.  For every addict, there is an enabler, typically the spouse. 

Assaults are more common in marriage than most people realize.  A recent study at Harvard found that one fourth of relationships have violence, and women are as likely to hit men as vice versa.  When physical safety becomes an issue, something must be done immediately.

Avoidance of responsiblity is the final marriage assassinator.  It doesn't kill as quickly as the other three, but must be stopped.  It often shows up in the form of reckless spending or a refusal to find work that endangers the security of a family.  

When one of the assassinators is present, marriage therapy cannot be successful until the sniper has been removed.  This type of work typically requires professional help, and we, at Personal Relationships, are here to help you. But we also can help you solve the reason why most couples divorce (for a very complicated explanation you can read What Predicts Divorce, but we recommend an easier to understand and better written explanation:  Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs).

The reason most couples divorce is that they don't understand the differences between the psychology of males and females and therefore can't communicate with each other appropriately.  Men communicate to solve problems, while women communicate to bond.  The unconscious difference in goals causes frustration, which typically leads to women starting to nag and men starting to withdraw.  As this cycle progresses, hateful words exceed loving words, and separation and divorce follow.  Couples must learn to seek first to understand the other and to stop communicating with each other while angry or stressed.  When you're stressed, you should learn to get away (even for a few minutes) and calm down and speak with love.

We're here to help you negotiate this difficult walk, and to even make it beautiful.  Please contact us for an appointment.

Bob Palmer is our marriage specialist and has been helping couples for over 35 years, but all our therapists are skilled in relationship issues, as we make it a priority to live up to our name:  Personal Relationships.  Our name emphasizes three types of relationships:  the one you have with God, the one you have with your spouse, and the one you will have with us.

Helpful marriage resources:

Willard Harley's website:  Marriage Builders    

Focus on the Family's website:  Focus on the Family